I don’t want to be the strong one today,

but I think I’ve trained everybody to expect me to be.

I have to take some accountability for that.

I’ve always been the one to show up, sometimes when I wasn’t even ready to.

If somebody needs an answer and I don’t have it, I’m going to find it. If somebody needs help, I’m probably going to stop what I’m doing and see about them. If something needs to be figured out, nine times out of ten, better yet, ten times out of ten, I’m going to figure it out.

That’s who I’ve always been, but there are days when I just don’t have it. There are days when I don’t want to figure anything out. I don’t want to have the answer. I don’t want to be the person everybody can count on to know what to do next.

Sometimes I’m tired.

Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.

I think somewhere along the way, I trained everybody to expect me to be strong regardless.

or maybe I didn’t.

Maybe that’s an expectation I’ve put on myself.

Maybe people aren’t sitting around expecting nearly as much from me as I think they are, or maybe I’ve gotten so used to showing up that I automatically assume I’m supposed to.

Either way, lately I’ve been giving myself permission to say no.

No, I don’t have somewhere I need to go.

No, I don’t need to do that today.

No, I don’t have to stop what I’m doing every time somebody else needs something.

This doesn’t mean I’ve stopped showing up for people. I’m just paying more attention to who I’m showing up for.

Reciprocity matters to me now in a way that maybe it didn’t before. I want to give my time and energy where it is valued and returned, but more than anything, I’m learning how to show up for myself.

Sometimes showing up for myself looks like doing absolutely nothing. It looks like saying, “I ain’t got it in me today”, lying on the couch and watching TV, Netflix and chilling all by myself. Not feeling guilty because I have absolutely nothing productive to show for the day.

That’s the part I’m still learning.

If I’m tired, I need to acknowledge that I’m tired. If I’m not mentally, emotionally or physically available, it’s okay for me to say that. Everything does not require me to push through simply because I know how.

I don't have to prove that I can handle it and I certainly don't have to keep performing strength just because I’ve gotten really good at it.

So today?

I don’t want to be the strong one and for once, I’m going to let that be enough.

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